Smokey Finds Religion

And lo, at the dawn of the new year there came a miracle, a remarkable
delivery to Smokey the Poke.

In those days it was decided, one's daughter should not drink all the
Irish Cream, Sharidan's and Wild Africa herself, and so her parents
came for the celebration of the New Year.

And with them there came a ham, a ham cooked in the Old Year, and for
five days they ate of it, but it did not diminish.

It dwelt in plastic, served cold with dijon by night, and even in
sandwiches and with breakfast, it remained vast and mighty.

So that it might not be wasted they brought it with them in their
travels, and it came to rest in the fridge near where Smokey was fed.

And Smokey ate of it, and it was good, and henceforth it was decreed
that Ham shall be the Truth and Ham the Way, and where there is Ham,
there Smokey was in the midst of it. And Smokey wholly intends to eat
of it for seven days and seven nights, if only Mom would let him have
more than a slice at a time, and does not cast it down into the
dumpster. For even if it is cast down, it will rise again, eternal
and everlasting, Bacon Forevermore.

Let us sing.

*Apparently, the song "I took a look in, the Joy of Cooking" is
Smokey's new sacred hymn. I'm trying to tell him that the chorus
proclaims "The answer's BAKING," not BACON, but he seems utterly
unwilling to brook challenges to his new belief as a born-again
Porkitan.

Also Smokey, what does this mean for Dad? You aren't going to
persecute him because he's a vegetarian, are you?

Smokey sez "No, he's the Keeper of the Food. See, In the encyclopedia
I read about ancient religions that had sexy ladies and all the guys
who looked after the sexy ladies had to get fixed. It's kinda like
that. I know he ain't gonna like, desecrate the ham."

--Fil

"Enfilade" wrote in message
...


And lo, at the dawn of the new year there came a miracle, a remarkable
delivery to Smokey the Poke.

In those days it was decided, one's daughter should not drink all the
Irish Cream, Sharidan's and Wild Africa herself, and so her parents
came for the celebration of the New Year.

And with them there came a ham, a ham cooked in the Old Year, and for
five days they ate of it, but it did not diminish.

It dwelt in plastic, served cold with dijon by night, and even in
sandwiches and with breakfast, it remained vast and mighty.

So that it might not be wasted they brought it with them in their
travels, and it came to rest in the fridge near where Smokey was fed.

And Smokey ate of it, and it was good, and henceforth it was decreed
that Ham shall be the Truth and Ham the Way, and where there is Ham,
there Smokey was in the midst of it. And Smokey wholly intends to eat
of it for seven days and seven nights, if only Mom would let him have
more than a slice at a time, and does not cast it down into the
dumpster. For even if it is cast down, it will rise again, eternal
and everlasting, Bacon Forevermore.

Let us sing.

*Apparently, the song "I took a look in, the Joy of Cooking" is
Smokey's new sacred hymn. I'm trying to tell him that the chorus
proclaims "The answer's BAKING," not BACON, but he seems utterly
unwilling to brook challenges to his new belief as a born-again
Porkitan.

Also Smokey, what does this mean for Dad? You aren't going to
persecute him because he's a vegetarian, are you?

Smokey sez "No, he's the Keeper of the Food. See, In the encyclopedia
I read about ancient religions that had sexy ladies and all the guys
who looked after the sexy ladies had to get fixed. It's kinda like
that. I know he ain't gonna like, desecrate the ham."

--Fil


No, can't argue with that reading.

Enfilade wrote:
*Apparently, the song "I took a look in, the Joy of Cooking" is
Smokey's new sacred hymn. I'm trying to tell him that the chorus
proclaims "The answer's BAKING," not BACON, but he seems utterly
unwilling to brook challenges to his new belief as a born-again
Porkitan.

ROFL! Caliban sez, 'where do I sign up?'

--
Marina, Miranda and Caliban. In loving memory of Frank and Nikki.

Enfilade wrote:
And lo, at the dawn of the new year there came a miracle, a remarkable
delivery to Smokey the Poke.

In those days it was decided, one's daughter should not drink all the
Irish Cream, Sharidan's and Wild Africa herself, and so her parents
came for the celebration of the New Year.

And with them there came a ham, a ham cooked in the Old Year, and for
five days they ate of it, but it did not diminish.

It dwelt in plastic, served cold with dijon by night, and even in
sandwiches and with breakfast, it remained vast and mighty.

So that it might not be wasted they brought it with them in their
travels, and it came to rest in the fridge near where Smokey was fed.

And Smokey ate of it, and it was good, and henceforth it was decreed
that Ham shall be the Truth and Ham the Way, and where there is Ham,
there Smokey was in the midst of it. And Smokey wholly intends to eat
of it for seven days and seven nights, if only Mom would let him have
more than a slice at a time, and does not cast it down into the
dumpster. For even if it is cast down, it will rise again, eternal
and everlasting, Bacon Forevermore.

Let us sing.

*Apparently, the song "I took a look in, the Joy of Cooking" is
Smokey's new sacred hymn. I'm trying to tell him that the chorus
proclaims "The answer's BAKING," not BACON, but he seems utterly
unwilling to brook challenges to his new belief as a born-again
Porkitan.

Also Smokey, what does this mean for Dad? You aren't going to
persecute him because he's a vegetarian, are you?

Smokey sez "No, he's the Keeper of the Food. See, In the encyclopedia
I read about ancient religions that had sexy ladies and all the guys
who looked after the sexy ladies had to get fixed. It's kinda like
that. I know he ain't gonna like, desecrate the ham."

--Fil

ROTFL
--
Adrian (Owned by Snoopy & Bagheera)
Cats leave pawprints on your heart
http://community.webshots.com/user/clowderuk

Enfilade wrote:
And lo, at the dawn of the new year there came a miracle, a remarkable
delivery to Smokey the Poke.

And it came to pass that the Messenger of the Great Cat, She who is called
Roxie, and is even venerated as an incarnation of this same Great Cat, did
look upon the Ham and tasted that it was good, and verily a sweet savor unto
Her nose.

And it came to pass that She did bless the Ham with the Most Glorious Sound
of Purr and declared it the most delectable of offerings. And She did say
unto the Prophet Jeff, "Let it be known in the world of two-legs that the Ham
is to be offered with the Holy Catnip as a love offering, yea even as a peace
offering, for so long as I do smell of its savor I shall verily let no two-
leg have peace until my portion be received."

And it came to pass that on the day He Who is Named Buxees But Everyone Calls
Him Louis did make for himself a sandwich of this same Ham, did Roxie verily
tear this Ham from the very Bread wherein it lay, as it was to be taken to
the lips of Her two-legged servant, and She saw that it was good. And verily
did She share with her brother Stosh and the fosterling Brian, for She is a
Cat of much virtue; moreover it was not yet the appointed time for Her
Sisters Brandy, Odessa-Dolly and Sabrina to be known unto Their devoted
servants.

And it came to pass that when He Who is Named Buxees But Everyone Calls Him
Louis did revive from the very fit of apoplexy which did follow the offering
of the Holy Ham, he did laugh, and suffered the Ham to come unto the Cats and
forbade it not, for of such was their Joy.

Blessed be,
Baha

--
Message posted via CatKB.com
http://www.catkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx...dotes/200801/1

Baha, how old is this religion of Porkitanism? Could it be that
Smokey is not its First Prophet???

(LOL!!!)

--Fil

On Jan 4, 5:27*pm, Enfilade wrote:
Baha, how old is this religion of Porkitanism? *Could it be that
Smokey is not its First Prophet???

The religion of Porkitanism is welll established in certain parts of
East London, indeed her most holy archbishop of the first church of
Porkitanism in London, her emminence Sarrasine (accompanied as always
by her most loyal and holy biishop of the London Diocese, her
emminence Redunzel) have spoken on the subject and the sermon they
will preach on the morrow prior to holy communion wherein the altar
slaves shall make offerings of ham unto the mortal representatives of
the Lord Ham, their God suggests that those who include bacon in their
holy services are misled since bacon is not ham. Verily, The Ham is
the only true God and those who worship also at the altar of bacon are
not truly the faithful of the church

(HELP! We have a religious schism on our hands!)

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

Enfilade wrote:
Baha, how old is this religion of Porkitanism? Could it be that
Smokey is not its First Prophet???

(LOL!!!)

Porkitanism is a sect of Fritzianity which was revealed by the Great Cat in
His earthly incarnation of Friedrich Amadeus von Beethoven, known to His
votaries as Fritzie, to the Prophet Jeff in 1995.

Fritzian doctrine holds that all cats are a manifestation of the Great Cat;
it teaches that the Cat is both the Center of the Universe and the Universe
Itself, a Mystery known onlky to the Trinity of The Boss, the Great Cat, and
Stephen Hawking; and that peace and preservtion of the Universe are
maintained by fervent and frequent petting of the Cat in bodily form, for the
Most Glorious Sound of Purr is the sound of good karma shifting and
redirecting itself throughout creation for the benefit of all beings.

Smokey is not a Prophet, but an Ascendant Master and incarnation of the Great
Cat, as are all Cats, and is thus Supreme; Prophets, such as Jeff, reveal His
message much in the way it was made known that Ham must be included in the
Offerings.

The Great Cat in Her eathly form of Ryoko-Sakura Rokusaburo Roxie Kaur
revealed in the Spring of 2004 that Ham is ritually clean for offerings to
the Great Cat, thus instituting Porkitanism as the dominant factor in the
Fritzian Reformation; Ham is to be offered along with much Catnip, presented
with the Yoga of Petting and the chant of the sacred mantra "Meeeee-
aaauummmmm!"

Blessed be,
Baha
Papess,
First Church of Fritzianity, Reformed
A subsidiary of the Church of the Subgenius
May Slack be with you

--
Message posted via CatKB.com
http://www.catkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx...dotes/200801/1

On Jan 3, 7:57 pm, Enfilade wrote:

Enjoyable text reluctantly snipped

Also Smokey, what does this mean for Dad? You aren't going to
persecute him because he's a vegetarian, are you?

Smokey sez "No, he's the Keeper of the Food. See, In the encyclopedia
I read about ancient religions that had sexy ladies and all the guys
who looked after the sexy ladies had to get fixed. It's kinda like
that. I know he ain't gonna like, desecrate the ham."

--Fil

As much as I enjoyed the main story here, this part just made me laugh
out loud and DH ask what was so funny. I read it to him and he laughed
as well. Smokey is 'da cat.
Julie

Lesley wrote:

The religion of Porkitanism is welll established in certain parts of
East London, indeed her most holy archbishop of the first church of
Porkitanism in London, her emminence Sarrasine (accompanied as always
by her most loyal and holy biishop of the London Diocese, her
emminence Redunzel)

(snip potential heresy)

(HELP! We have a religious schism on our hands!)

While the Reformed Fritzian Church considers Ham to be the preferred Offering,
Bacon may be so Offered if the Holy Ham is unable to be procured, as it is
considered by canon law to be Pork. Spam, however, is ritually unclean for
Offerings unto the Great Cat in bodily form, for it can be contested even
unto the end of the age that it is meat, yea even food fit for Feline
consumption.

Blessed be,
Baha
Papess,
First Church of Fritzianity, Reformed,
blah blah blah

--
Message posted via CatKB.com
http://www.catkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx...dotes/200801/1