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drugs of dependance (on topic)



 
 
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  #1  
Old December 4th 06, 08:24 PM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
Tish
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 129
Default drugs of dependance (on topic)

This is satirical, so please don't take it seriously. It is funny,
which is why I'm posting it here.

Tish

http://www.progress.org/2006/fold483.htm

War on Drugs Expands to Catnip

Fred Foldvary
by Fred E. Foldvary, Senior Editor
Drug warriors scored a virtual victory after the 2006 U.S. elections
when they hurriedly extended the War on Drugs to a psychoactive
substance previously exempt: nepetalactone, the main psychoactive
ingredient in catnip. It is well known that the sniffing of catnip
makes some cats "turn on." Their eyes open wide, they roll over on the
floor, they hug and bite the catnip toy and kick it with the feet, and
they friskily run to and fro, similar to human beings who go crazy
ingesting psychoactive drugs.

While catnip does not have the same effect on human beings, the
advocates of banning catnip have pointed out that children who give
their cats catnip and then see the cat being "happy" might get
dangerous ideas about getting high. They think, if the cat can feel
good, why not them too? Indeed, the first step to marijuana addiction
may well be catnip! According to the drug warriors, catnip has been a
major gateway to the human abuse of drugs, and yet there has been no
prohibition.

The U.S. federal ban on drugs began in 1914 with the Harrison Narcotic
Act to control opium. Alcohol was prohibited by the 18th Amendment in
1919, in an era where the U.S. Constitution was still respected, but
the Amendment was repealed by the 21st Amendment in 1933.

In 1937, convinced that marijuana causes insanity, Congress passed the
Marijuana Tax Act, which effectively prohibited that substance. The
full-scale war on psychoactive substances started with Nixon's
declaration in 1969 that such drugs were "America's public enemy
number one." Congress formally declared the War on Drugs with the
Controlled Substances Act of 1970. The agency that prosecutes this war
is the Drug Enforcement Administration.

In 1988, the Reagan Administration created the Office of National Drug
Control Policy to bring together all federal departments and agencies
into a united war campaign. In accord with America's traditional
admiration of the Roman dictator Caesar, the director of ONDCP is
called the Drug Czar, and the recognition of the War on Drugs as
America's number one bipartisan obsession was made clear by raising
the Drug Czar to cabinet-level status by President Bill Clinton in
1993.

Now the last great loophole in the abuse of drugs by both children and
adults has been closed. The enforcement of the prohibition of catnip
will begin nationally with the first full eclipse of the sun in 2007,
to symbolize the eclipse of the libertine and lascivious feline
attitudes that have led to catnip abuse. Americans will receive orders
to destroy all catnip in their homes before the eclipse.

The War on Catnip has started already as a pilot program in the
so-called "red zone" of Washington, DC. The assistant to the Drug Czar
for federal territory is Ima Tyrant, who was transferred to the ONDCP
from the Federal Communications Commission's "Office of Philosophy and
Economics," which has been enforcing a ban on philosophic and economic
indecency.

Some Washington red-zone residents stubbornly refused to destroy their
illicit catnip. For example, Dr. Felix thought that nobody would know
that he still had some catnip in his cabinet. But Ima Tyrant sent dog
patrols down the red-zone streets of Washington, hounds who were
trained to detect minute particles of catnip. The dogs howled at Dr.
Felix's front door, and the catnip SWAT teem stormed into the house
and went through all the closets, cabinets and shelves, dumping
everything on the floor until they finally found the catnip. Dr. Felix
is now in federal prison on a life sentence for the possession of
catnip.

But, like marijuana, there is also the problem of controlling the
catnip plants, scientifically called Nepeta cataria. Catnip is a
member of the mint family, and the plant grows all over North America.
The 2006 Prohibition of the Possession of Nepetalactone and Catnip
Plants Act makes it a federal crime to grow catnip on one's land, even
if the landowner does not know that the plants are present.
Large-scale spraying with toxic chemicals will occur during 2006
everywhere that satellites detect catnip plants. Unfortunately,
sometimes spearmint and basil plants look like catnip, and these may
also be sprayed. Americans will be warned to avoid ingesting any herbs
of the mint family after the spraying.

"Catnip is a much greater drug problem than most people realize," said
Ima Tyrant in a recently televised interview. "Some teenagers have
experimented with smoking catnip. People also make tea from catnip,
and have used it in folk medicines. We can no longer tolerate this big
loophole in drug abuse. The prohibition of catnip will the "cat-stone"
to America's War on Drugs.

"But why is alcohol not included in banned substances, as it causes
much more trouble than catnip?" asked the interviewer. Ima Tyrant
replied, "Alcohol is not really a drug. That's a myth perpetuated by
those who foolishly want to legalize drugs. Alcohol is a normal drink,
and like fatty foods, sure it can be abused, but to call alcohol a
drug is sheer propaganda."

You hip cats have only a limited time to enjoy your cataria until the
eclipse of your feline liberty. The dogs of war will then come
barking, so beware.
  #2  
Old December 4th 06, 08:47 PM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
Jo Firey
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 1,579
Default drugs of dependance (on topic)


"Tish" wrote in message
...
This is satirical, so please don't take it seriously. It is funny,
which is why I'm posting it here.



Seriously, last week I brought home a catnip plant from PetSmart and left it
in the kitchen. Usually I break off a leaf or two and rub it between my
fingers to bring out the scent, giving it to which ever cat happenes to be
nearby. They are seldom drawn to the plant itself.

Two days later, Molly discovered the plant. And proceeded to graze.
Literally ate every leaf and was rubbing her face on the stems and
scattering potting soil everywhere.

Two hours later she had comandeered the hassock in front of the fire. Jake
walked up to object and was attacked by his mild mannered calico tiny sister
who went totally haloween cat pyscho on him. Good thing he has a coat like
a seal because she landed on his back with all claws out.


Jo





War on Drugs Expands to Catnip

Fred Foldvary
by Fred E. Foldvary, Senior Editor
Drug warriors scored a virtual victory after the 2006 U.S. elections
when they hurriedly extended the War on Drugs to a psychoactive
substance previously exempt: nepetalactone, the main psychoactive
ingredient in catnip. It is well known that the sniffing of catnip
makes some cats "turn on." Their eyes open wide, they roll over on the
floor, they hug and bite the catnip toy and kick it with the feet, and
they friskily run to and fro, similar to human beings who go crazy
ingesting psychoactive drugs.

While catnip does not have the same effect on human beings, the
advocates of banning catnip have pointed out that children who give
their cats catnip and then see the cat being "happy" might get
dangerous ideas about getting high. They think, if the cat can feel
good, why not them too? Indeed, the first step to marijuana addiction
may well be catnip! According to the drug warriors, catnip has been a
major gateway to the human abuse of drugs, and yet there has been no
prohibition.

The U.S. federal ban on drugs began in 1914 with the Harrison Narcotic
Act to control opium. Alcohol was prohibited by the 18th Amendment in
1919, in an era where the U.S. Constitution was still respected, but
the Amendment was repealed by the 21st Amendment in 1933.

In 1937, convinced that marijuana causes insanity, Congress passed the
Marijuana Tax Act, which effectively prohibited that substance. The
full-scale war on psychoactive substances started with Nixon's
declaration in 1969 that such drugs were "America's public enemy
number one." Congress formally declared the War on Drugs with the
Controlled Substances Act of 1970. The agency that prosecutes this war
is the Drug Enforcement Administration.

In 1988, the Reagan Administration created the Office of National Drug
Control Policy to bring together all federal departments and agencies
into a united war campaign. In accord with America's traditional
admiration of the Roman dictator Caesar, the director of ONDCP is
called the Drug Czar, and the recognition of the War on Drugs as
America's number one bipartisan obsession was made clear by raising
the Drug Czar to cabinet-level status by President Bill Clinton in
1993.

Now the last great loophole in the abuse of drugs by both children and
adults has been closed. The enforcement of the prohibition of catnip
will begin nationally with the first full eclipse of the sun in 2007,
to symbolize the eclipse of the libertine and lascivious feline
attitudes that have led to catnip abuse. Americans will receive orders
to destroy all catnip in their homes before the eclipse.

The War on Catnip has started already as a pilot program in the
so-called "red zone" of Washington, DC. The assistant to the Drug Czar
for federal territory is Ima Tyrant, who was transferred to the ONDCP
from the Federal Communications Commission's "Office of Philosophy and
Economics," which has been enforcing a ban on philosophic and economic
indecency.

Some Washington red-zone residents stubbornly refused to destroy their
illicit catnip. For example, Dr. Felix thought that nobody would know
that he still had some catnip in his cabinet. But Ima Tyrant sent dog
patrols down the red-zone streets of Washington, hounds who were
trained to detect minute particles of catnip. The dogs howled at Dr.
Felix's front door, and the catnip SWAT teem stormed into the house
and went through all the closets, cabinets and shelves, dumping
everything on the floor until they finally found the catnip. Dr. Felix
is now in federal prison on a life sentence for the possession of
catnip.

But, like marijuana, there is also the problem of controlling the
catnip plants, scientifically called Nepeta cataria. Catnip is a
member of the mint family, and the plant grows all over North America.
The 2006 Prohibition of the Possession of Nepetalactone and Catnip
Plants Act makes it a federal crime to grow catnip on one's land, even
if the landowner does not know that the plants are present.
Large-scale spraying with toxic chemicals will occur during 2006
everywhere that satellites detect catnip plants. Unfortunately,
sometimes spearmint and basil plants look like catnip, and these may
also be sprayed. Americans will be warned to avoid ingesting any herbs
of the mint family after the spraying.

"Catnip is a much greater drug problem than most people realize," said
Ima Tyrant in a recently televised interview. "Some teenagers have
experimented with smoking catnip. People also make tea from catnip,
and have used it in folk medicines. We can no longer tolerate this big
loophole in drug abuse. The prohibition of catnip will the "cat-stone"
to America's War on Drugs.

"But why is alcohol not included in banned substances, as it causes
much more trouble than catnip?" asked the interviewer. Ima Tyrant
replied, "Alcohol is not really a drug. That's a myth perpetuated by
those who foolishly want to legalize drugs. Alcohol is a normal drink,
and like fatty foods, sure it can be abused, but to call alcohol a
drug is sheer propaganda."

You hip cats have only a limited time to enjoy your cataria until the
eclipse of your feline liberty. The dogs of war will then come
barking, so beware.



  #3  
Old December 4th 06, 08:57 PM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
Tish
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 129
Default drugs of dependance (on topic)

On Mon, 04 Dec 2006 20:47:37 GMT, "Jo Firey"
wrote:

Seriously, last week I brought home a catnip plant from PetSmart and left it
in the kitchen. Usually I break off a leaf or two and rub it between my
fingers to bring out the scent, giving it to which ever cat happenes to be
nearby. They are seldom drawn to the plant itself.

Two days later, Molly discovered the plant. And proceeded to graze.
Literally ate every leaf and was rubbing her face on the stems and
scattering potting soil everywhere.

Two hours later she had comandeered the hassock in front of the fire. Jake
walked up to object and was attacked by his mild mannered calico tiny sister
who went totally haloween cat pyscho on him. Good thing he has a coat like
a seal because she landed on his back with all claws out.


Jo

Awww, poor Jake. He must have wondered what happened!

Our cats don't do 'nip, but every now and then Persephone gets a bug
in her brain and decides to ambush Spock. Spock usually manages to
shake her off fairly easily, but always ends up with a look of hurt
bewilderment on his face - "what was *that* for?".

Tish
  #4  
Old December 5th 06, 12:40 AM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
Victor Martinez
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 1,742
Default drugs of dependance (on topic)

Tish wrote:
You hip cats have only a limited time to enjoy your cataria until the
eclipse of your feline liberty. The dogs of war will then come
barking, so beware.


CATNIP RULEZ!!!!

FEZ

--
Victor M. Martinez
Owned and operated by the Fantastic Seven (TM)
Send your spam he
Email me he

  #5  
Old December 5th 06, 05:18 AM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
Marina
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 7,152
Default drugs of dependance (on topic)

Jo Firey wrote:
"Tish" wrote in message
...
This is satirical, so please don't take it seriously. It is funny,
which is why I'm posting it here.



Seriously, last week I brought home a catnip plant from PetSmart and left it
in the kitchen. Usually I break off a leaf or two and rub it between my
fingers to bring out the scent, giving it to which ever cat happenes to be
nearby. They are seldom drawn to the plant itself.

Two days later, Molly discovered the plant. And proceeded to graze.
Literally ate every leaf and was rubbing her face on the stems and
scattering potting soil everywhere.

Two hours later she had comandeered the hassock in front of the fire. Jake
walked up to object and was attacked by his mild mannered calico tiny sister
who went totally haloween cat pyscho on him. Good thing he has a coat like
a seal because she landed on his back with all claws out.


Aww, poor Jake! Frank was always a mean drunk. When he'd had catnip, he
would always attack Nikki fiercely, though he was a very mild-mannered
boy otherwise.

--
Marina, Miranda and Caliban. In loving memory of Frank and Nikki.
Stories and pics at http://koti.welho.com/mkurten/
Pics at http://uk.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/frankiennikki/
and http://community.webshots.com/user/frankiennikki
 




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