OT NEW RULES

NEW RULES


New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your as@. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand,
Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blond
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky *******s.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a@shole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge as@hole.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's
called "Speak with Hilary Clinton."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good
enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want
to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't really care in the first place.

Submitted by Kaspars

No More Retail wrote:

NEW RULES

What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing
that. It's called "Speak with Hilary Clinton."

On the website (www.strangevehicles.com), it was "The Howard Stern Show".
That was funnier.

I like Howard that is why I changed it ;-)

No More Retail wrote:
NEW RULES


New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your as@.
And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

I love this one. Couldn't agree more. We met this Belgian guy in
Laos a couple of years ago and he had some sort of sanskrit writing
all over his back. Asked him what it means and he got all offended
and said it was deeply personal. Dude, when you tattoo your whole
back with 3 inch letters and then run around with your shirt off, you
gotta expect to get asked! Sheesh!

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I
just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed
to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

Dennis has experienced this too many times in Yangon. They try to
massage your back while you're taking a leak. Ewwwww!

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know
in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Yes, I agree with this one too. But I don't usually ask, since I also
agree with the last sentence.
--
Britta
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -- Unknown
Check out pictures of Vino at:
http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album

No More Retail wrote:

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want
to wash my hands.


Yeah, I had an attendant ask me if he could have the last few shakes

:|

badwilson wrote:
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know
in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Yes, I agree with this one too. But I don't usually ask, since I also
agree with the last sentence.
--
Britta

I think that's the compulsory question to ask when you don't
particuarly relate to kids well, but you find yourself in the position
to have to converse about one. Like me. If the child is considerably
bigger, you say, "What grade are you in?"
What I hate are total strangers who say, "How are you today?" You know
they don't care and really don't want to hear it anyway. Someday I'm
going to burst forth with a monologue of all my physical, emotional,
and spiritual difficulties. Ha.

Sherry

I don't want to know the answer
"Coldshot" wrote in message
oups.com...

No More Retail wrote:

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just
some
freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just
want
to wash my hands.


Yeah, I had an attendant ask me if he could have the last few shakes

:|