If we ever needed purrs

what a fine partner you are, Lee
Enfilade wrote in message
oups.com...

Thanks Fil at last someone who says it;s okay to let Dave lean on me
and doesn't say its because he's emotionaly immature etd


Let me tell you where I'm coming from. I'm the one in our relationship
who had the round of illness and was, at some times, downright evil to
poor Dylan. It's not something I'm proud of at the end of the day--at
the time I was sick, not thinking straight and concerned entirely with
myself.

One of the evil things I did was basically forbid him from telling
anyone else what was going on with me, and making threats about what I
would do if he did. I did it because I was afraid that people would
find out I was ill and try to take advantage, to kick me while I was
weak and unable to defend myself as I usually do. However, what I did
was effectively cut him off from getting any support for himself trying
to deal with me and meet his own needs.

He called me on it. I realized that I was being unfair and cruel. We
fixed it.

If I continued to do it, though, I think he would have had to have
left, for his own safety and stability.

So, I know that when I was sick, I needed Dylan to lean on. But, it is
a give and take. From your subsequent posts it's clear that Dave has
supported you too. It's easy when you're venting to describe only the
bad stuff, not the good stuff too. And when someone else only hears
the bad stuff, they see a relationship that is unhealthy.

So, don't be too hard on other folks on this list--I think they're just
reacting to what is only part of the story, and trying to think of your
best interests.

I know a lot of people here have come through seriously abusive
relationships/families and that makes people very fiercely protective
of 'their own."

--Fil

Thanks Fil at last someone who says it;s okay to let Dave lean on me
and doesn't say its because he's emotionaly immature etd


Let me tell you where I'm coming from. I'm the one in our relationship
who had the round of illness and was, at some times, downright evil to
poor Dylan. It's not something I'm proud of at the end of the day--at
the time I was sick, not thinking straight and concerned entirely with
myself.

One of the evil things I did was basically forbid him from telling
anyone else what was going on with me, and making threats about what I
would do if he did. I did it because I was afraid that people would
find out I was ill and try to take advantage, to kick me while I was
weak and unable to defend myself as I usually do. However, what I did
was effectively cut him off from getting any support for himself trying
to deal with me and meet his own needs.

He called me on it. I realized that I was being unfair and cruel. We
fixed it.

If I continued to do it, though, I think he would have had to have
left, for his own safety and stability.

So, I know that when I was sick, I needed Dylan to lean on. But, it is
a give and take. From your subsequent posts it's clear that Dave has
supported you too. It's easy when you're venting to describe only the
bad stuff, not the good stuff too. And when someone else only hears
the bad stuff, they see a relationship that is unhealthy.

So, don't be too hard on other folks on this list--I think they're just
reacting to what is only part of the story, and trying to think of your
best interests.

I know a lot of people here have come through seriously abusive
relationships/families and that makes people very fiercely protective
of 'their own."

--Fil

Enfilade wrote:
While it's okay to let Dave lean on you once in a while, you need to
remember this:

1. You need support too. Being in the position where you are looking
after the needs of an ill/disabled spouse is a big job. Find a support
group, or talk to a therapist.

I'll fill you in shortly but surprsingly I think I've found one and
thanks there are some people on this list who seem to think my getting
stressed out should be a reason to just walk out on 28 years. For
someone to say its okay to let Dave lean on me is a big thing for me

You also need to make sure you are looking after your OWN needs (ie
earning a living, buying and cooking food, getting sleep) before you
give him what you can spare.

I now realise I always have done it's the end of the day after I've
left Dave and I come here

I'm getting myself together and certain people on the list (A certain
person to be specific) are just making me angry...which I suppose is
good in its own way

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

Enfilade wrote:
While it's okay to let Dave lean on you once in a while, you need to
remember this:

Thanks Fil at last someone who says it;s okay to let Dave lean on me
and doesn't say its because he's emotionaly immature etd

1. You need support too. Being in the position where you are looking
after the needs of an ill/disabled spouse is a big job.

funnily enough I found someone today I'll explain later (Have to allow
certain people to judge/critize me first)

2. You need to have limits. Being a sympathetic ear for Dave to
express frustration, fear and regret is fine.
Being a verbal punching
bag is not. Dave can express anger TO you, but shouldn't take it out
ON you, if that makes sense.

Makes sense actually most of his anger is directed at himself


You also need to make sure you are looking after your OWN needs (ie
earning a living, buying and cooking food, getting sleep) before you
give him what you can spare.

I think this last bit of the day when works done with, Dave's abed (or
at least they threw me out) is my time I just opened a new pack of
cigarettes and the Furballs drooled in anticipation.. throwing little
rolled up paper ball at them...its the best toy ever even Dunzi wants
to chase it

Whoops! It wenr under the sofa! Sarsi just got it out they're having a
good time

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

"Lesley" wrote in message
ups.com...

Enfilade wrote:
While it's okay to let Dave lean on you once in a while, you need to
remember this:

Thanks Fil at last someone who says it;s okay to let Dave lean on me
and doesn't say its because he's emotionaly immature etd

1. You need support too. Being in the position where you are looking
after the needs of an ill/disabled spouse is a big job.

funnily enough I found someone today I'll explain later (Have to allow
certain people to judge/critize me first)

2. You need to have limits. Being a sympathetic ear for Dave to
express frustration, fear and regret is fine.
Being a verbal punching
bag is not. Dave can express anger TO you, but shouldn't take it out
ON you, if that makes sense.

Makes sense actually most of his anger is directed at himself


You also need to make sure you are looking after your OWN needs (ie
earning a living, buying and cooking food, getting sleep) before you
give him what you can spare.

I think this last bit of the day when works done with, Dave's abed (or
at least they threw me out) is my time I just opened a new pack of
cigarettes and the Furballs drooled in anticipation.. throwing little
rolled up paper ball at them...its the best toy ever even Dunzi wants
to chase it

Whoops! It wenr under the sofa! Sarsi just got it out they're having a
good time

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs


Sounds like your furballs are doing their job cheering you up

On 8 Dec 2006 16:05:47 -0800, "Lesley" wrote:


EvelynVogtGamble(Divamanque) wrote:

He doesn't seem to be all that concerned about them, either.

Have you been following this thread? He's sat there and cried about
missing them. His first question every night is how are they? His last
instruction most nights is to skitch them from him and tell them he'll
be home soon. He'd miss them more than me. When he was on the ward he
even asked if they could come and see him....and then when the staff
said maybe...if they're in a carrier..he said it wouldn't be fair on
them to be loaded into a carrier and dragged down there to see him so
he would have to forgo the pleasure of seeing them!

Take them in one at a time... I'm sure he'd be thrilled to visit with
them!

meeee wrote:


Sounds like your furballs are doing their job cheering you up

Yep they are sometimes I think I wouldn't be half as stressed if I had
one or both of them with me all the time!

Don't know why this flippin' machine keeps resending. I log in via
CatKB and it doesn't (Through sometimes it doesn't send to this list at
all!) and on my old works machine it never did apart from when I was a
newbie and hit the send button twice a couple of times.

First of all thanks to Adrian A and Gennie for the cards. I love
Marietta's little bed I ought to get the Furballs one each but I've
never seen them in the UK and if I know my Furballs they'd ignore them
and continue to sleep in the wardrobe (I keep shutting the door but
with two felines with advanced door opening skills it's a losing
battle! I did it when I got 20 minutes ago and it's already been
opened)

Secondly thanks for all the messages of support especially Fil who was
painfully honest and very brave. We ended up in the same situation
before Dave went into hospital. He didn't want anyone to know so yes,
he ended up cutting himself off from help and I ended up cut off from
support.

I'm feeling an idiot....It's an exact repeat of the time when Dave was
first ill and a junior house officer started talking about taking the
cats away and I panicked as Tweed memorably said "You work in the NHS
and you believed a junior house officer?!"
Just because the social worker says he won't be home for Xmas what does
she know, she wasn't even at the meeting where it was raised (Yes, I've
been reading his notes again. If anyone wants to say anything the
answer is simple "I can't be as involved as I would like to be because
of work and I need to know what you're saying because if I get it
through Dave I'm only getting one side of the story") and that says
"Unlikely to be home for Xmas" which is not the same thing

Anyway I had lunch with a good friend yesterday that's a story in
itself and makes you wonder about karma. Basically 16 years ago I used
to work with Tessa and we were very good friends (she liked the job so
much even after she left to work elsewhere she used to work for us on a
Saturday!). Then the place was taken over and closed down and you know
how it goes...we met a couple of times, talked on the phone but she
lived in the wilds of Buckinghamshire and we just lost touch. No
falling out just didn't see each other. Used to wonder from time to
time what happened to her as she did me but we moved on with our lives.


16 years later I'm starting my new job and the outgoing PA has left a
few pages to guide me and it says "For psychology referrals contact
Tessa Card" and I thought "Can't be!" but it was so we try to get
together for lunch every Friday but it doesn't always happen. Her dad
is in hospital after major surgery and the physio's have failed to get
him back on his feet so he's going to have to go to a nursing home.So
she's going through what I'm going through except she's had an awful
week with it. She visited him Monday and out of the blue a nurse said
"He's only got 3 months". So Tessa called the social worker to say if
that was true surely she needed to stop researching nursing homes,
which being Tessa she had done so well, the social worker asked to keep
her print outs to show other clients who were considering it. (People
say I'm organised and methodical but compared to Tessa I'm a chaotic
slob) The social worker had heard nothing as had his GP and when her
dad's named nurse read the notes she could find nothing to suggest such
a grim prognosis but the consultant isn't returning his phone calls
(Methinks his PA is on leave and he can't use the thing. I've had a
very senior consultant where I used to work ask me how to start the fax
machine, "Pressing the big button with "start" on it might be a good
idea" was my reply. The guy in question (name withheld as he was a
decent bloke) can do a knee replacement without even using the guides-
this guy preps the knee looks at it for 10 seconds and tells the nurse
"A number five tibial tray, a 30mm patella button and a number three
femoral component please" and never gets it wrong but he can't operate
a fax machine, never once managed to print a document he'd email them
to me (and I had to show him how to attach a document every time))

Anyway she now has to wait til the meeting on Tuesday when the
consultant should appear to find out whether she's found a home or
needs to research hospices.

And she said something that cheered me up no end. I was saying the
worse thing was feeling I had to do everything because there were no
other people to help out. And she said "That has it's own set of pro's
and con's. Yes it's very stressful and very tiring but at least it's
just you and Dave. You make the decisions together and don't have to
consider other people"

Basically she does have the support of her sister, brother in law and
her partner Jackie, But as she explained that's not always a good
thing. Okay so she's having a nice quiet Xmas at home with Jackie and
her dogs (and one cat) because her sister lives near to the hospital
and has a car so she and her husband will visit.

But....

Her sister goes into hysterics at the words "Nursing home" and is in
complete denial this will happen as far as she's concerned he's going
home and that's that. Tessa first of all thought it was the shock and
was inclined to be charitable (It probably doesn't help Tessa and her
younger sister never got on that well) but her brother-in-law is also
denying her dad needs to be in a nursing home since if he does "We'll
have to sell the house to pay for the home and that's our inheritance
gone". Tessa has had to bite her lip several times, it doesn't help her
sister and brother-in-law both have very good jobs, own a very nice
house etc etc

And Jackie's not that much help. It's something of a delicate issue,
Tessa has decided that given her dad's age and the generation he comes
from, she isn't going to upset and shock him (also her brother-in-law
has made homophobic remarks and she doesn't want to give him ammunition
however tempted she is to say "You've married into a family with a
"lezzie" in it") so she tells her dad Jackie is a friend and her
housemate and leaves it at that.

Now Jackie is a very forthright personality, very firm believer in "not
feeling sorry for yourself". "Dragging yourself up" etc etc and her
main contribution to the situation has been to lean over the bed and
shout at Tessa's dad " MR CARD! IF YOU DON'T PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER AND
GET OUT OF THAT BED NOW YOU'LL END UP IN A NURSING HOME! SO GET UP!"

As Tessa said that was a real help...Seems there's a lot to be said for
going it alone!

Anyway I got there last night and was reasonably calm until Dave put a
Steve Hillage CD on okay until the track with the opening line "It's
all too much for me to take"

I asked him to take it off and he's like "You're not going all
depressed on me are you? I'm trying to be upbeat here"

So I thought "I've tried to talk about it so many times but always when
we're both angry and losing our tempers" so I took a deep breath and
calmly told him how I was feeling.

We ended up having a good talk. Dave told me he tries to appear upbeat
because he doesn't want me upset but he is lonely and hates when I have
to go to the extent (I had spotted this) if finding one last thing to
be done sometimes just as I'm getting my coat on so it can be out off
for an extra minute or two. He does appreciate what I'm going through
he just finds it hard to talk about because he is acutely aware it's
really his fault I'm having to go through it.

As he says Xmas is two weeks away and none of this is written in stone
so he's going to really try and get there!

We talked about the positives and there have been some today. His back
mysteriously after doing so well flared up again so they tried steroid
cream and different dressings (Kay seems to be experimenting on him)
and after just two days it's well and truly back on track and
Evengelina (his named nurse) thinks in a few more days he won't even
need dressings.

Also his support hoisery arrived today and according to the notes his
feet are now almost 100% and the few bits that aren't yet quite healed
are well on their way. Once they next take his bulky dressings off,
that will be the last time or the second from last time.

And physio today...well, Dave said he was rubbish at it but on closer
questioning he'd done everything he was supposed to do just not as well
as he liked. He's running into a problem with Julia as well.

She's loud and pushy and through she's an OT, she takes over the physio
sessions and has the habit of standing too close in a way that makes
Dave feel crowded (Funny thing is, he reckons the physio stands at
exactly the same distance and he doesn't feel crowded, body language
perhaps?). Furthermore she's trying to get him to do things he doesn't
want to not in the sense of skiving but for example, today as he wasn't
warmed up when he got in the gym he wanted to stand with the pulpit
frame for a minute or two because his ankle which went on Wednesday is
still stiff (Its sprained) and he wanted to be sure it would support
his weight and she wasn't happy for him to do that but in the one
moment of assertiveness she displayed all day Lesley (physio) agreed it
was a good idea. Then when he said he had to sit down for a moment
(after standing unaided for about 5 minutes) because his ankle was
hurting, Julia snapped at him "It doesn't hurt! Ignore the pain!"

Ummm....if it doesn't hurt then where's the pain coming from that he's
to ignore?

Also she keeps saying he's perfectly safe and won't fall because she's
there to catch him. Dave's looking at her, she's a good 6-8 inches
shorter than him and half his weight so he's finding that hard to
believe and anyway the one time on Wednesday he did stumble, she had
her hands in her pockets and he had to balance himself (As it said in
his notes he has excellent standing balance). As he says the only thing
she could do is break his fall (The floor is concrete)

(Btw I want to complain about the floors . I know they're obsessed
with cleanliness but they are buffed to the extent that I've almost
gone over several times every day. As I said to John, one of these days
I'm going to go past in a wheelchair and annouce I've taken residence
in Rose Court down the other end of the ward!)

Another thing has me completely mystified. Julia says Dave doesn't
stand up right. I don't care how he does it so long as it's safe, he's
confident and it works but she won't have it. Consider getting up from
a chair. I put my feet down flat and slight apart and stand up as does
Dave (and I suspect most people). Apparently according Julia we've been
doing it wrong all these years! Apparently you're supposed to tuck his
feet back right under you and lean forward with your nose pointing
downwards and in front of your knees and then stand...I tried it and at
5 feet 6 inches on a low chair the first thing that happened was when
my feet were in the approved position I couldn't get my heels down!
When I did do it, my ankle protested (I wonder if that's how his got
sprained?) and I had to stumble because I hadn't got the whole of my
foot on the floor! But Julia says that's how you stand in the textbook
so that is how you will stand and deviation from that is wrong! It's
like she keeps going on about how he doesn't transfer "well" from chair
to bed and vice versa. As far as we are concerned
he gets where he needs to go, quickly, comfortably and at no risk of
falling whereas her "textbook" method has nearly caused him to fall
flat on his face

Anyway things are better now...

Oh and Julia's finale for the entire inhabitants of Green Court was
coffee making! Dave came top of the class after the nurse made
allowances for him. You see, making cuppa's assessment is part of every
OT's repetoire but they don't usually ask you to do it using the
machine the nurses use to bring hot drinks round rather than a kettle!
Dave simply couldn't quite reach the button for hot water and had to
ask someone to press it for him. But he got brownie points when the
nurse said she'd take the cup to the table and he said he could do it
himself and did without spilling any.

I really don't want to know who came last in such a simple task!

Left and had to wait ages for a bus so long Evangelina came out and
waited with me and I was able to talk to her about how I'm feeling. She
told me it's okay to feel like I do, it's perfectly normal and only
proves I'm a Human being. She said she's seen partners and family
members suffer like this loads of time and I shouldn't feel guilty for
being less than perfect and more importantly I should make sure Dave
doesn't make me feel guilty (which he doesn't really, it's more the
bloody ridiculous sense of guilt my mum landed me with)

That made me feel a lot better and she said if I need someone to talk
to when I'm on the ward then find her and she'll make time to support
me and anyway if she isn't I can always talk to a member of staff I
trust. She's going to discreetly mention it to the nurses and told me
they've been waiting for me to hit a low because it happens to everyone
and I've done remarkably well so far but they knew it would happen!

And now I'm off to see Dave and I'm taking the biggest anti-depressant
you can imagine with me short of the Furballs!

Dave has a friend in Canada called Kelly, Kelly's sister is married to
Ronnie Hawkins stage manager and Ronnie is an old friend of her
parents. She had a fascinating childhood. Some of her earliest memories
are of "Uncle John" she still has letters and drawings he did for her
which have so much sentimental value she will never sell them even
through "Uncle John" was John Lennon. Now Dave regards Ronnie Hawkins
as a rock God and when he went on tour after his recovery from cancer,
Kelly snaffled one of the t-shirts for Dave that were only meant for
the band and crew. His pride and joy

Of course muggins here (and Dave was a muggins as well) when we were
waiting for the ambulance Dave insisted he couldn't go without a clean
t-shirt (The things you worry about) I took his Ronnie H shirt out of
the drawer for him to change into.

Alas for various reasons the first night at the hospital it got
completely ruined and I was advised to bin it. Almost as soon as Dave
was coherent he asked where it was and when I told him it was probably
incinerated, he was upset for ages.

So I mentioned (without ever telling Dave) what happened to Kelly and
she said she'd ask her sister but didn't hold out much hope. That was
the first week he was in hospital and it was never mentioned again (I'd
forgotten about it and assumed she had)

Last week she emailed me saying she was sending the DVD of "American
Splendour" to Dave as she felt bad she'd forgotten to send him a card
as she's a bit disorganised and would it play on our DVD player? I
replied he'd already seen the film but it is one of his favourites and
I wasn't sure but as we have 2 stand alone DVD players, 3 in the
computers and he has a portable at the hospital if she wanted to send
it fine.

It arrived last night, wrapped in not one but two replacements for his
beloved shirt! And a signed photo of Ronnie H saying "Get well soon
Dave and keep rockin'"

I'm just so touched by this! And finally I'm going to see him and I'm
going to bring something that will bring tears to his eyes (tears of
happiness for a change there's been plenty of the other kind)

Guess I'm back on the programme thanks to all of you who sent messages
of support, Tessa, Evangelina and Kelly!

I've just learnt a crucial lesson. Don't bottle things up, ask and
you'll find more help than you need

(And the Furballs have just pointed out I will be walking past the vets
and the bag of Hills S/D is very low I must say since trying Royal
Canin and Hill's as some people said- I have noticed an amazing
difference in the thickness and shine of their coats, they were
beautiful before but now...they are stunning!)

Lesley

Slave of the Stunning Fabulous Furballs

meeee wrote:


Sounds like your furballs are doing their job cheering you up

Yep they are sometimes I think I wouldn't be half as stressed if I had
one or both of them with me all the time!

Don't know why this flippin' machine keeps resending. I log in via
CatKB and it doesn't (Through sometimes it doesn't send to this list at
all!) and on my old works machine it never did apart from when I was a
newbie and hit the send button twice a couple of times.

First of all thanks to Adrian A and Gennie for the cards. I love
Marietta's little bed I ought to get the Furballs one each but I've
never seen them in the UK and if I know my Furballs they'd ignore them
and continue to sleep in the wardrobe (I keep shutting the door but
with two felines with advanced door opening skills it's a losing
battle! I did it when I got 20 minutes ago and it's already been
opened)

Secondly thanks for all the messages of support especially Fil who was
painfully honest and very brave. We ended up in the same situation
before Dave went into hospital. He didn't want anyone to know so yes,
he ended up cutting himself off from help and I ended up cut off from
support.

I'm feeling an idiot....It's an exact repeat of the time when Dave was
first ill and a junior house officer started talking about taking the
cats away and I panicked as Tweed memorably said "You work in the NHS
and you believed a junior house officer?!"
Just because the social worker says he won't be home for Xmas what does
she know, she wasn't even at the meeting where it was raised (Yes, I've
been reading his notes again. If anyone wants to say anything the
answer is simple "I can't be as involved as I would like to be because
of work and I need to know what you're saying because if I get it
through Dave I'm only getting one side of the story") and that says
"Unlikely to be home for Xmas" which is not the same thing

Anyway I had lunch with a good friend yesterday that's a story in
itself and makes you wonder about karma. Basically 16 years ago I used
to work with Tessa and we were very good friends (she liked the job so
much even after she left to work elsewhere she used to work for us on a
Saturday!). Then the place was taken over and closed down and you know
how it goes...we met a couple of times, talked on the phone but she
lived in the wilds of Buckinghamshire and we just lost touch. No
falling out just didn't see each other. Used to wonder from time to
time what happened to her as she did me but we moved on with our lives.


16 years later I'm starting my new job and the outgoing PA has left a
few pages to guide me and it says "For psychology referrals contact
Tessa Card" and I thought "Can't be!" but it was so we try to get
together for lunch every Friday but it doesn't always happen. Her dad
is in hospital after major surgery and the physio's have failed to get
him back on his feet so he's going to have to go to a nursing home.So
she's going through what I'm going through except she's had an awful
week with it. She visited him Monday and out of the blue a nurse said
"He's only got 3 months". So Tessa called the social worker to say if
that was true surely she needed to stop researching nursing homes,
which being Tessa she had done so well, the social worker asked to keep
her print outs to show other clients who were considering it. (People
say I'm organised and methodical but compared to Tessa I'm a chaotic
slob) The social worker had heard nothing as had his GP and when her
dad's named nurse read the notes she could find nothing to suggest such
a grim prognosis but the consultant isn't returning his phone calls
(Methinks his PA is on leave and he can't use the thing. I've had a
very senior consultant where I used to work ask me how to start the fax
machine, "Pressing the big button with "start" on it might be a good
idea" was my reply. The guy in question (name withheld as he was a
decent bloke) can do a knee replacement without even using the guides-
this guy preps the knee looks at it for 10 seconds and tells the nurse
"A number five tibial tray, a 30mm patella button and a number three
femoral component please" and never gets it wrong but he can't operate
a fax machine, never once managed to print a document he'd email them
to me (and I had to show him how to attach a document every time))

Anyway she now has to wait til the meeting on Tuesday when the
consultant should appear to find out whether she's found a home or
needs to research hospices.

And she said something that cheered me up no end. I was saying the
worse thing was feeling I had to do everything because there were no
other people to help out. And she said "That has it's own set of pro's
and con's. Yes it's very stressful and very tiring but at least it's
just you and Dave. You make the decisions together and don't have to
consider other people"

Basically she does have the support of her sister, brother in law and
her partner Jackie, But as she explained that's not always a good
thing. Okay so she's having a nice quiet Xmas at home with Jackie and
her dogs (and one cat) because her sister lives near to the hospital
and has a car so she and her husband will visit.

But....

Her sister goes into hysterics at the words "Nursing home" and is in
complete denial this will happen as far as she's concerned he's going
home and that's that. Tessa first of all thought it was the shock and
was inclined to be charitable (It probably doesn't help Tessa and her
younger sister never got on that well) but her brother-in-law is also
denying her dad needs to be in a nursing home since if he does "We'll
have to sell the house to pay for the home and that's our inheritance
gone". Tessa has had to bite her lip several times, it doesn't help her
sister and brother-in-law both have very good jobs, own a very nice
house etc etc

And Jackie's not that much help. It's something of a delicate issue,
Tessa has decided that given her dad's age and the generation he comes
from, she isn't going to upset and shock him (also her brother-in-law
has made homophobic remarks and she doesn't want to give him ammunition
however tempted she is to say "You've married into a family with a
"lezzie" in it") so she tells her dad Jackie is a friend and her
housemate and leaves it at that.

Now Jackie is a very forthright personality, very firm believer in "not
feeling sorry for yourself". "Dragging yourself up" etc etc and her
main contribution to the situation has been to lean over the bed and
shout at Tessa's dad " MR CARD! IF YOU DON'T PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER AND
GET OUT OF THAT BED NOW YOU'LL END UP IN A NURSING HOME! SO GET UP!"

As Tessa said that was a real help...Seems there's a lot to be said for
going it alone!

Anyway I got there last night and was reasonably calm until Dave put a
Steve Hillage CD on okay until the track with the opening line "It's
all too much for me to take"

I asked him to take it off and he's like "You're not going all
depressed on me are you? I'm trying to be upbeat here"

So I thought "I've tried to talk about it so many times but always when
we're both angry and losing our tempers" so I took a deep breath and
calmly told him how I was feeling.

We ended up having a good talk. Dave told me he tries to appear upbeat
because he doesn't want me upset but he is lonely and hates when I have
to go to the extent (I had spotted this) if finding one last thing to
be done sometimes just as I'm getting my coat on so it can be out off
for an extra minute or two. He does appreciate what I'm going through
he just finds it hard to talk about because he is acutely aware it's
really his fault I'm having to go through it.

As he says Xmas is two weeks away and none of this is written in stone
so he's going to really try and get there!

We talked about the positives and there have been some today. His back
mysteriously after doing so well flared up again so they tried steroid
cream and different dressings (Kay seems to be experimenting on him)
and after just two days it's well and truly back on track and
Evengelina (his named nurse) thinks in a few more days he won't even
need dressings.

Also his support hoisery arrived today and according to the notes his
feet are now almost 100% and the few bits that aren't yet quite healed
are well on their way. Once they next take his bulky dressings off,
that will be the last time or the second from last time.

And physio today...well, Dave said he was rubbish at it but on closer
questioning he'd done everything he was supposed to do just not as well
as he liked. He's running into a problem with Julia as well.

She's loud and pushy and through she's an OT, she takes over the physio
sessions and has the habit of standing too close in a way that makes
Dave feel crowded (Funny thing is, he reckons the physio stands at
exactly the same distance and he doesn't feel crowded, body language
perhaps?). Furthermore she's trying to get him to do things he doesn't
want to not in the sense of skiving but for example, today as he wasn't
warmed up when he got in the gym he wanted to stand with the pulpit
frame for a minute or two because his ankle which went on Wednesday is
still stiff (Its sprained) and he wanted to be sure it would support
his weight and she wasn't happy for him to do that but in the one
moment of assertiveness she displayed all day Lesley (physio) agreed it
was a good idea. Then when he said he had to sit down for a moment
(after standing unaided for about 5 minutes) because his ankle was
hurting, Julia snapped at him "It doesn't hurt! Ignore the pain!"

Ummm....if it doesn't hurt then where's the pain coming from that he's
to ignore?

Also she keeps saying he's perfectly safe and won't fall because she's
there to catch him. Dave's looking at her, she's a good 6-8 inches
shorter than him and half his weight so he's finding that hard to
believe and anyway the one time on Wednesday he did stumble, she had
her hands in her pockets and he had to balance himself (As it said in
his notes he has excellent standing balance). As he says the only thing
she could do is break his fall (The floor is concrete)

(Btw I want to complain about the floors . I know they're obsessed
with cleanliness but they are buffed to the extent that I've almost
gone over several times every day. As I said to John, one of these days
I'm going to go past in a wheelchair and annouce I've taken residence
in Rose Court down the other end of the ward!)

Another thing has me completely mystified. Julia says Dave doesn't
stand up right. I don't care how he does it so long as it's safe, he's
confident and it works but she won't have it. Consider getting up from
a chair. I put my feet down flat and slight apart and stand up as does
Dave (and I suspect most people). Apparently according Julia we've been
doing it wrong all these years! Apparently you're supposed to tuck his
feet back right under you and lean forward with your nose pointing
downwards and in front of your knees and then stand...I tried it and at
5 feet 6 inches on a low chair the first thing that happened was when
my feet were in the approved position I couldn't get my heels down!
When I did do it, my ankle protested (I wonder if that's how his got
sprained?) and I had to stumble because I hadn't got the whole of my
foot on the floor! But Julia says that's how you stand in the textbook
so that is how you will stand and deviation from that is wrong! It's
like she keeps going on about how he doesn't transfer "well" from chair
to bed and vice versa. As far as we are concerned
he gets where he needs to go, quickly, comfortably and at no risk of
falling whereas her "textbook" method has nearly caused him to fall
flat on his face

Anyway things are better now...

Oh and Julia's finale for the entire inhabitants of Green Court was
coffee making! Dave came top of the class after the nurse made
allowances for him. You see, making cuppa's assessment is part of every
OT's repetoire but they don't usually ask you to do it using the
machine the nurses use to bring hot drinks round rather than a kettle!
Dave simply couldn't quite reach the button for hot water and had to
ask someone to press it for him. But he got brownie points when the
nurse said she'd take the cup to the table and he said he could do it
himself and did without spilling any.

I really don't want to know who came last in such a simple task!

Left and had to wait ages for a bus so long Evangelina came out and
waited with me and I was able to talk to her about how I'm feeling. She
told me it's okay to feel like I do, it's perfectly normal and only
proves I'm a Human being. She said she's seen partners and family
members suffer like this loads of time and I shouldn't feel guilty for
being less than perfect and more importantly I should make sure Dave
doesn't make me feel guilty (which he doesn't really, it's more the
bloody ridiculous sense of guilt my mum landed me with)

That made me feel a lot better and she said if I need someone to talk
to when I'm on the ward then find her and she'll make time to support
me and anyway if she isn't I can always talk to a member of staff I
trust. She's going to discreetly mention it to the nurses and told me
they've been waiting for me to hit a low because it happens to everyone
and I've done remarkably well so far but they knew it would happen!

And now I'm off to see Dave and I'm taking the biggest anti-depressant
you can imagine with me short of the Furballs!

Dave has a friend in Canada called Kelly, Kelly's sister is married to
Ronnie Hawkins stage manager and Ronnie is an old friend of her
parents. She had a fascinating childhood. Some of her earliest memories
are of "Uncle John" she still has letters and drawings he did for her
which have so much sentimental value she will never sell them even
through "Uncle John" was John Lennon. Now Dave regards Ronnie Hawkins
as a rock God and when he went on tour after his recovery from cancer,
Kelly snaffled one of the t-shirts for Dave that were only meant for
the band and crew. His pride and joy

Of course muggins here (and Dave was a muggins as well) when we were
waiting for the ambulance Dave insisted he couldn't go without a clean
t-shirt (The things you worry about) I took his Ronnie H shirt out of
the drawer for him to change into.

Alas for various reasons the first night at the hospital it got
completely ruined and I was advised to bin it. Almost as soon as Dave
was coherent he asked where it was and when I told him it was probably
incinerated, he was upset for ages.

So I mentioned (without ever telling Dave) what happened to Kelly and
she said she'd ask her sister but didn't hold out much hope. That was
the first week he was in hospital and it was never mentioned again (I'd
forgotten about it and assumed she had)

Last week she emailed me saying she was sending the DVD of "American
Splendour" to Dave as she felt bad she'd forgotten to send him a card
as she's a bit disorganised and would it play on our DVD player? I
replied he'd already seen the film but it is one of his favourites and
I wasn't sure but as we have 2 stand alone DVD players, 3 in the
computers and he has a portable at the hospital if she wanted to send
it fine.

It arrived last night, wrapped in not one but two replacements for his
beloved shirt! And a signed photo of Ronnie H saying "Get well soon
Dave and keep rockin'"

I'm just so touched by this! And finally I'm going to see him and I'm
going to bring something that will bring tears to his eyes (tears of
happiness for a change there's been plenty of the other kind)

Guess I'm back on the programme thanks to all of you who sent messages
of support, Tessa, Evangelina and Kelly!

I've just learnt a crucial lesson. Don't bottle things up, ask and
you'll find more help than you need

(And the Furballs have just pointed out I will be walking past the vets
and the bag of Hills S/D is very low I must say since trying Royal
Canin and Hill's as some people said- I have noticed an amazing
difference in the thickness and shine of their coats, they were
beautiful before but now...they are stunning!)

Lesley

Slave of the Stunning Fabulous Furballs

meeee wrote:


Sounds like your furballs are doing their job cheering you up

Yep they are sometimes I think I wouldn't be half as stressed if I had
one or both of them with me all the time!

Don't know why this flippin' machine keeps resending. I log in via
CatKB and it doesn't (Through sometimes it doesn't send to this list at
all!) and on my old works machine it never did apart from when I was a
newbie and hit the send button twice a couple of times.

First of all thanks to Adrian A and Gennie for the cards. I love
Marietta's little bed I ought to get the Furballs one each but I've
never seen them in the UK and if I know my Furballs they'd ignore them
and continue to sleep in the wardrobe (I keep shutting the door but
with two felines with advanced door opening skills it's a losing
battle! I did it when I got 20 minutes ago and it's already been
opened)

Secondly thanks for all the messages of support especially Fil who was
painfully honest and very brave. We ended up in the same situation
before Dave went into hospital. He didn't want anyone to know so yes,
he ended up cutting himself off from help and I ended up cut off from
support.

I'm feeling an idiot....It's an exact repeat of the time when Dave was
first ill and a junior house officer started talking about taking the
cats away and I panicked as Tweed memorably said "You work in the NHS
and you believed a junior house officer?!"
Just because the social worker says he won't be home for Xmas what does
she know, she wasn't even at the meeting where it was raised (Yes, I've
been reading his notes again. If anyone wants to say anything the
answer is simple "I can't be as involved as I would like to be because
of work and I need to know what you're saying because if I get it
through Dave I'm only getting one side of the story") and that says
"Unlikely to be home for Xmas" which is not the same thing

Anyway I had lunch with a good friend yesterday that's a story in
itself and makes you wonder about karma. Basically 16 years ago I used
to work with Tessa and we were very good friends (she liked the job so
much even after she left to work elsewhere she used to work for us on a
Saturday!). Then the place was taken over and closed down and you know
how it goes...we met a couple of times, talked on the phone but she
lived in the wilds of Buckinghamshire and we just lost touch. No
falling out just didn't see each other. Used to wonder from time to
time what happened to her as she did me but we moved on with our lives.


16 years later I'm starting my new job and the outgoing PA has left a
few pages to guide me and it says "For psychology referrals contact
Tessa Card" and I thought "Can't be!" but it was so we try to get
together for lunch every Friday but it doesn't always happen. Her dad
is in hospital after major surgery and the physio's have failed to get
him back on his feet so he's going to have to go to a nursing home.So
she's going through what I'm going through except she's had an awful
week with it. She visited him Monday and out of the blue a nurse said
"He's only got 3 months". So Tessa called the social worker to say if
that was true surely she needed to stop researching nursing homes,
which being Tessa she had done so well, the social worker asked to keep
her print outs to show other clients who were considering it. (People
say I'm organised and methodical but compared to Tessa I'm a chaotic
slob) The social worker had heard nothing as had his GP and when her
dad's named nurse read the notes she could find nothing to suggest such
a grim prognosis but the consultant isn't returning his phone calls
(Methinks his PA is on leave and he can't use the thing. I've had a
very senior consultant where I used to work ask me how to start the fax
machine, "Pressing the big button with "start" on it might be a good
idea" was my reply. The guy in question (name withheld as he was a
decent bloke) can do a knee replacement without even using the guides-
this guy preps the knee looks at it for 10 seconds and tells the nurse
"A number five tibial tray, a 30mm patella button and a number three
femoral component please" and never gets it wrong but he can't operate
a fax machine, never once managed to print a document he'd email them
to me (and I had to show him how to attach a document every time))

Anyway she now has to wait til the meeting on Tuesday when the
consultant should appear to find out whether she's found a home or
needs to research hospices.

And she said something that cheered me up no end. I was saying the
worse thing was feeling I had to do everything because there were no
other people to help out. And she said "That has it's own set of pro's
and con's. Yes it's very stressful and very tiring but at least it's
just you and Dave. You make the decisions together and don't have to
consider other people"

Basically she does have the support of her sister, brother in law and
her partner Jackie, But as she explained that's not always a good
thing. Okay so she's having a nice quiet Xmas at home with Jackie and
her dogs (and one cat) because her sister lives near to the hospital
and has a car so she and her husband will visit.

But....

Her sister goes into hysterics at the words "Nursing home" and is in
complete denial this will happen as far as she's concerned he's going
home and that's that. Tessa first of all thought it was the shock and
was inclined to be charitable (It probably doesn't help Tessa and her
younger sister never got on that well) but her brother-in-law is also
denying her dad needs to be in a nursing home since if he does "We'll
have to sell the house to pay for the home and that's our inheritance
gone". Tessa has had to bite her lip several times, it doesn't help her
sister and brother-in-law both have very good jobs, own a very nice
house etc etc

And Jackie's not that much help. It's something of a delicate issue,
Tessa has decided that given her dad's age and the generation he comes
from, she isn't going to upset and shock him (also her brother-in-law
has made homophobic remarks and she doesn't want to give him ammunition
however tempted she is to say "You've married into a family with a
"lezzie" in it") so she tells her dad Jackie is a friend and her
housemate and leaves it at that.

Now Jackie is a very forthright personality, very firm believer in "not
feeling sorry for yourself". "Dragging yourself up" etc etc and her
main contribution to the situation has been to lean over the bed and
shout at Tessa's dad " MR CARD! IF YOU DON'T PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER AND
GET OUT OF THAT BED NOW YOU'LL END UP IN A NURSING HOME! SO GET UP!"

As Tessa said that was a real help...Seems there's a lot to be said for
going it alone!

Anyway I got there last night and was reasonably calm until Dave put a
Steve Hillage CD on okay until the track with the opening line "It's
all too much for me to take"

I asked him to take it off and he's like "You're not going all
depressed on me are you? I'm trying to be upbeat here"

So I thought "I've tried to talk about it so many times but always when
we're both angry and losing our tempers" so I took a deep breath and
calmly told him how I was feeling.

We ended up having a good talk. Dave told me he tries to appear upbeat
because he doesn't want me upset but he is lonely and hates when I have
to go to the extent (I had spotted this) if finding one last thing to
be done sometimes just as I'm getting my coat on so it can be out off
for an extra minute or two. He does appreciate what I'm going through
he just finds it hard to talk about because he is acutely aware it's
really his fault I'm having to go through it.

As he says Xmas is two weeks away and none of this is written in stone
so he's going to really try and get there!

We talked about the positives and there have been some today. His back
mysteriously after doing so well flared up again so they tried steroid
cream and different dressings (Kay seems to be experimenting on him)
and after just two days it's well and truly back on track and
Evengelina (his named nurse) thinks in a few more days he won't even
need dressings.

Also his support hoisery arrived today and according to the notes his
feet are now almost 100% and the few bits that aren't yet quite healed
are well on their way. Once they next take his bulky dressings off,
that will be the last time or the second from last time.

And physio today...well, Dave said he was rubbish at it but on closer
questioning he'd done everything he was supposed to do just not as well
as he liked. He's running into a problem with Julia as well.

She's loud and pushy and through she's an OT, she takes over the physio
sessions and has the habit of standing too close in a way that makes
Dave feel crowded (Funny thing is, he reckons the physio stands at
exactly the same distance and he doesn't feel crowded, body language
perhaps?). Furthermore she's trying to get him to do things he doesn't
want to not in the sense of skiving but for example, today as he wasn't
warmed up when he got in the gym he wanted to stand with the pulpit
frame for a minute or two because his ankle which went on Wednesday is
still stiff (Its sprained) and he wanted to be sure it would support
his weight and she wasn't happy for him to do that but in the one
moment of assertiveness she displayed all day Lesley (physio) agreed it
was a good idea. Then when he said he had to sit down for a moment
(after standing unaided for about 5 minutes) because his ankle was
hurting, Julia snapped at him "It doesn't hurt! Ignore the pain!"

Ummm....if it doesn't hurt then where's the pain coming from that he's
to ignore?

Also she keeps saying he's perfectly safe and won't fall because she's
there to catch him. Dave's looking at her, she's a good 6-8 inches
shorter than him and half his weight so he's finding that hard to
believe and anyway the one time on Wednesday he did stumble, she had
her hands in her pockets and he had to balance himself (As it said in
his notes he has excellent standing balance). As he says the only thing
she could do is break his fall (The floor is concrete)

(Btw I want to complain about the floors . I know they're obsessed
with cleanliness but they are buffed to the extent that I've almost
gone over several times every day. As I said to John, one of these days
I'm going to go past in a wheelchair and annouce I've taken residence
in Rose Court down the other end of the ward!)

Another thing has me completely mystified. Julia says Dave doesn't
stand up right. I don't care how he does it so long as it's safe, he's
confident and it works but she won't have it. Consider getting up from
a chair. I put my feet down flat and slight apart and stand up as does
Dave (and I suspect most people). Apparently according Julia we've been
doing it wrong all these years! Apparently you're supposed to tuck his
feet back right under you and lean forward with your nose pointing
downwards and in front of your knees and then stand...I tried it and at
5 feet 6 inches on a low chair the first thing that happened was when
my feet were in the approved position I couldn't get my heels down!
When I did do it, my ankle protested (I wonder if that's how his got
sprained?) and I had to stumble because I hadn't got the whole of my
foot on the floor! But Julia says that's how you stand in the textbook
so that is how you will stand and deviation from that is wrong! It's
like she keeps going on about how he doesn't transfer "well" from chair
to bed and vice versa. As far as we are concerned
he gets where he needs to go, quickly, comfortably and at no risk of
falling whereas her "textbook" method has nearly caused him to fall
flat on his face

Anyway things are better now...

Oh and Julia's finale for the entire inhabitants of Green Court was
coffee making! Dave came top of the class after the nurse made
allowances for him. You see, making cuppa's assessment is part of every
OT's repetoire but they don't usually ask you to do it using the
machine the nurses use to bring hot drinks round rather than a kettle!
Dave simply couldn't quite reach the button for hot water and had to
ask someone to press it for him. But he got brownie points when the
nurse said she'd take the cup to the table and he said he could do it
himself and did without spilling any.

I really don't want to know who came last in such a simple task!

Left and had to wait ages for a bus so long Evangelina came out and
waited with me and I was able to talk to her about how I'm feeling. She
told me it's okay to feel like I do, it's perfectly normal and only
proves I'm a Human being. She said she's seen partners and family
members suffer like this loads of time and I shouldn't feel guilty for
being less than perfect and more importantly I should make sure Dave
doesn't make me feel guilty (which he doesn't really, it's more the
bloody ridiculous sense of guilt my mum landed me with)

That made me feel a lot better and she said if I need someone to talk
to when I'm on the ward then find her and she'll make time to support
me and anyway if she isn't I can always talk to a member of staff I
trust. She's going to discreetly mention it to the nurses and told me
they've been waiting for me to hit a low because it happens to everyone
and I've done remarkably well so far but they knew it would happen!

And now I'm off to see Dave and I'm taking the biggest anti-depressant
you can imagine with me short of the Furballs!

Dave has a friend in Canada called Kelly, Kelly's sister is married to
Ronnie Hawkins stage manager and Ronnie is an old friend of her
parents. She had a fascinating childhood. Some of her earliest memories
are of "Uncle John" she still has letters and drawings he did for her
which have so much sentimental value she will never sell them even
through "Uncle John" was John Lennon. Now Dave regards Ronnie Hawkins
as a rock God and when he went on tour after his recovery from cancer,
Kelly snaffled one of the t-shirts for Dave that were only meant for
the band and crew. His pride and joy

Of course muggins here (and Dave was a muggins as well) when we were
waiting for the ambulance Dave insisted he couldn't go without a clean
t-shirt (The things you worry about) I took his Ronnie H shirt out of
the drawer for him to change into.

Alas for various reasons the first night at the hospital it got
completely ruined and I was advised to bin it. Almost as soon as Dave
was coherent he asked where it was and when I told him it was probably
incinerated, he was upset for ages.

So I mentioned (without ever telling Dave) what happened to Kelly and
she said she'd ask her sister but didn't hold out much hope. That was
the first week he was in hospital and it was never mentioned again (I'd
forgotten about it and assumed she had)

Last week she emailed me saying she was sending the DVD of "American
Splendour" to Dave as she felt bad she'd forgotten to send him a card
as she's a bit disorganised and would it play on our DVD player? I
replied he'd already seen the film but it is one of his favourites and
I wasn't sure but as we have 2 stand alone DVD players, 3 in the
computers and he has a portable at the hospital if she wanted to send
it fine.

It arrived last night, wrapped in not one but two replacements for his
beloved shirt! And a signed photo of Ronnie H saying "Get well soon
Dave and keep rockin'"

I'm just so touched by this! And finally I'm going to see him and I'm
going to bring something that will bring tears to his eyes (tears of
happiness for a change there's been plenty of the other kind)

Guess I'm back on the programme thanks to all of you who sent messages
of support, Tessa, Evangelina and Kelly!

I've just learnt a crucial lesson. Don't bottle things up, ask and
you'll find more help than you need

(And the Furballs have just pointed out I will be walking past the vets
and the bag of Hills S/D is very low I must say since trying Royal
Canin and Hill's as some people said- I have noticed an amazing
difference in the thickness and shine of their coats, they were
beautiful before but now...they are stunning!)

Lesley

Slave of the Stunning Fabulous Furballs

I'm glad you're feeling better, I was worried about you, I didn't know what
to say that would help. I'm glad you met up with Tessa again, she sounds
like a good friend. Purrs for her and her father, the attitude of her family
is incomprehensable to me. How does it affect anybody else how people choose
to live their lives.

Keep your chin up Lesley, life *will* get better.
--
Adrian (Owned by Snoopy and Bagheera)
Cats leave pawprints on your heart.
http://community.webshots.com/user/clowderuk